Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
