heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize