just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
