WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
