Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
