Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
