I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We had sex on a dog bed..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
