People in love make me want to vomit
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
