We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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