My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He shit in the fireplace
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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