Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you win again, gameday.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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