i love accidental penises.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
