oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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