Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
