I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
