I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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