there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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