There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
