I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
