Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
