ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
