if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
