Don't you send me to vm
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
