So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
