Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and she was petting her beer can
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
