Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
