Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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