I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
