This house was built for laser tag.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
