I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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