Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
