I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
