My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
