Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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