My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
