there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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