she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
