just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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