if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
your room smells of hookers.
And success
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
