If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
