bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
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