when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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