he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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