somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
