Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize