Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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