Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this boner is exhausting
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
