I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Send help, water and tortillas.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
