I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
