The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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