That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
