Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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