dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
