I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
