sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
