i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
