And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
