Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
