Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
