If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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