saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I supernannyed him into submission
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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