I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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