Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
